birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
