Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
