remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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