he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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