I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
