Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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