Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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