From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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