I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
