You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
