I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
