Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
