The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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