I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
