my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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