new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
