I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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