The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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