Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
