i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
