I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
