My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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