Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
