I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
