I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
