Swine flu. Run for my life!
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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