I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You need a sexual gate keeper
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
