He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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