I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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