the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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