i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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