I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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