I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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