Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
