i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
