I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
