ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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