: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
