roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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