I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
