My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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