Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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