don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
