I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
