she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
