A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
