Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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