I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
