mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
