i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
