i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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