I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The adults are the big ones right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
