dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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