Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
