i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
