Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
