I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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