It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
