Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
