i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
