And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize