I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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