so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize