i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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