after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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